you’re awkward.

“Changes” cover by Seu Jorge
(It’s in Portuguese, btw. How purty.)

I’m a pretty quiet person, I think. Many would consider me an introvert, a title I am not crazy about because I know that deep down, I’m not that quiet. But in Psychology last semester I learned that introversion doesn’t necessarily mean that a person is quiet; it is that she appreciates and even needs time alone because internal stimuli are enough to keep the brain occupied (whereas extroverts seem to need external stimuli to maintain focus on a subject. or something like that). I’ll admit that I do  need my time alone a lot. For the past two months I think I have gone out with my friends maybe three times? Maybe? It’s just a phase right now; necessary isolation, I call it. It’s not unhealthy in any way, although I could see how someone might take it as depressive isolation, considering recent events. It’s not though. Let’s not be melodramatic. I enjoy my time alone. I savor it. It is so sweet and quiet. I can control my whole world and when I am alone I am the most powerful person in my life. I like it.

But unfortunately, these internal phases carry over when I leave my apartment and go to school. I hardly ever talk much in school, mostly because I feel like there is nothing I really need to say to a lot of the people in my classes. We don’t have anything in common and I don’t see the need to make that fact even more obvious. Haha, I can imagine the shock that people might feel when they see me outside of school, and how different I act. It’s like I’m another person, really.

So in class, instead of talking to people, I sit and watch and listen to the world in front of me, like a detached, single-man audience of a private movie showing. And it never occurred to me that someone might notice me and think it odd that I only observe. But in Physics last week, this girl looked right at me and said “do you ever talk?”

What?! I have had classes with this girl every year for the past three years. I was shocked that she said something like that. Do I ever talk? Of course she’s heard me talk.

Then I thought: Well, has she? I thought back to my Algebra 2 class, sophomore year. I was too engrossed in learning the math to worry about idle chit-chat (that class KICKED my BUTT). World History, last year: I never spoke, I’ll admit. But really, it was one of those classes full of people that I felt absolutely no connection to at all. And then Physics this year. I didn’t think it was that bad– not bad enough for her to ask me if I ever talk. Jeez.

Because it’s not like I’m a social pariah or something. I have friends. And when I’m with them I can be loud, wild, obnoxious, and even funny. WOAH. Maybe I’m really selective with those I chose to open up to. Maybe I just have an extreme inferiority (or superiority?) complex. I don’t know. It’s uncontrollable though. Sometimes I’ll sit and my stony face will be stuck in one expression and any attempt to rearrange it results in an unnatural look. No words that pass through my mind are suitable to then pass through my lips, so I remain dumb. My mind is fully active but my face betrays no deeper thought than simple reactions to immediate stimuli.

It’s incredibly frustrating sometimes. I don’t know if this is fixable or if it’s just my nature.


3 responses to “you’re awkward.

  1. I love your writing style, but enough ego stroking.

    It seems to me that in the first paragraph you are selling rather than telling: “I enjoy my time alone. I savor it. It is so sweet and quiet.” This is likely my own crazy interpretation since I do not really know of the Alex this post speaks of.

  2. Ego stroking? Really? Lighten up home slice.

    Great post, awesome song! I love that guy. Have you seen the movie? Amazing! But I’m a sucker for that crap.

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