Alright, well. I wasn’t satisfied at all with the blog that I posted earlier this afternoon. I feel like I’ve gone through a brief dry spell in my mind and I can’t think of anything compelling to write. I’m not even thinking. I’m just sleeping all the time and working out a lot. In the last week I have been a work-out and health maniac, but today I felt like I should stay home and do some homework so I am spending the evening munching on crackers covered in Nutella, which is definitely not the healthiest snack choice (100 calories per tablespoon). Whatever.
So I spent some time earlier looking through the list of offered majors at UGA. I used to have a plan but sometime in the last few weeks that plan became juvenile and was promptly shot to hell. I’ve returned to my claim of “having no idea what I want to do with my life,” when in reality, I actually have a pretty good idea of what I want to do. I’m just not entirely sure how to get there. I did some searching though, and I came up with a short list of possibilities that I feel pretty good about, as well as three different courses of action to follow after I graduate. It’s nice to know I have some idea of where I’m headed.
Well anyway. Planning my future out like that made me feel..funny. I just read the essay “Three Spheres” by Lauren Slater, in which she is a psychologist who must visit a new patient at the same hospital she had been institutionalized multiple times throughout her young adulthood. Walking through the ward, she alternates between states of near-regression to her unsound past and the new, official façade which she can now hide behind. She sees herself in her new patient, Linda: she sees the woman she could have become if she had not gotten better, so she treats her with the kindness that she had always wished for.
The essay dealt a lot with that idea of transience among people and time; the way Linda and Slater are so connected you almost think that they’re the same person. After reading it, I thought a lot about how time moves and how people change, how they grow together and then grow apart. Four years ago I was a freshman, and then I was a sophomore, which is one year below a junior, and juniors are practically seniors. And now here I am, 18 years old and 72 days away from my high school graduation. Where did the time go? I must have wasted a lot of it hiding away inside myself. I know I did. But it all happened regardless, and I’m glad to be moving on.
Where am I going with this?
That’s all I’ve got tonight, really. It’s raining outside and warm inside.
I really like these lines from Jason Mraz’s “Beautiful Mess”:
Although you were biased, I loved your advice;
Your comebacks were quick and probably have to do with your insecurity.
There’s no shame in being crazy, depending on how you take these words I’m paraphrasing this relationship we’re staging.
It’s so comfortable. “Here we are. We’re still here.” It’s the story of a couple who seems to have weathered a lot, but they have come out successful. A beautiful mess.
Tides, they turn, and hearts disfigure,
but that’s no concern when we’re wounded together.
Because life is messy. It’s not going to work out the way you expect, regardless of your internal drive for organization and perfection. This all happened in Atonement. God, read it. This girl, who’s obsessed with organization and working out the plot of life to be just right, fills in some gaps for the sake of a good story, of what fits, and she ends up ruining the lives of her sister and her sister’s lover.
Okay I suppose I’ve rambled enough. I’m pretty scatterbrained today. One more thing: check out this blog if you haven’t seen it before; it’s hilarious.