Words escape me often, far too often, and then I turn to the printed words of others. This is truly what my summers are meant to be and I dread the day when I, as a fully functioning a contributing member of society, must surrender my summer days to a soul-sucking job where I cannot read completely undisturbed from ten in the morning until four in the afternoon. I finished Margaret Salinger’s memoir, Dream Catcher earlier today and I started reading Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. I am only forty pages in at this point and I already feel gripped by this powerful story, a story of someone unhappy with her life who decides to revive the wonder and the love that it once held for her. While reading the retrospective words of someone who has already taken this journey, I can’t help but wonder what is in store for me. I wonder what I will do with the impending freedom of mine that is only two weeks away. I feel so silly for focusing so much of my time on my future happiness, mostly because my current state of sanity is at risk when my eyes are constantly fixated on the horizon. But even the prospect of my future seems so bleak when evaluated through the pragmatic eyes of someone who has it all figured out. Of course you do. That’s why you’re so apparently happy with your life. When I look at my future I take for granted the assumption that I will have arrived with all of my f-a-c-u-l-t-i-e-s in check. But right now I’m on the threshold of how I will spend the rest of my life, the rest of my existence here on earth, and I can chose right now whether I will go insane in my years of adulthood.
And today, I claim my sanity, and I claim my happiness, thereby silencing anyone whose disapproving glances and words would have before deterred me from what I want. I don’t care that you didn’t need it in your time and therefore assume that I don’t need it now. I do. My life is mine and I won’t spend another minute of it voluntarily unhappy just so that someone else will have the peace of mind when they can say “I knew it was best for her.” I know what’s best for me.
So I sit in the Hawaiian breeze and feel my hair poke at my face in that annoying way I hate when I drive with the windows down and I make this promise to myself that I am solely accountable for my sanity and therefore no one will make decisions for me anymore. I’ll make good choices, too.
Also, I’ve been playing this song all day. It’s the most beautiful cover of this song I’ve ever heard.