stuck.

At a young age of eighteen years, my life has barely even begun. But after this summer of Eat Pray Love and Julie and Julia, I feel all at once a burning desire to fully live with abandon and a helpless lack of direction. I want to live a beautiful life and create something beautiful in the process and I am so afraid of growing into a silent, stagnant, and hopeless existence. I’ve suddenly become so much more aware of my pulse, of my heartbeat, of the life pumping throughout my body and washing back into a thundering rumble in my tummy.

I need direction. Like the bird on my necklace that continually flies North, guided by the compass, I need a steadfast direction to fly in. Where is it?

I was packing for college earlier and I came across my old book, “So, You Wanna be a Writer?” Copyright 2001, I must have bought this book around fourth grade, and I remember studying each page of the thing like it was the Bible. I only realize now how much valuable information packed into that book went right through my eyes and into the empty abyss in the darkest, dustiest corner in the back of my mind. At least I still have the book and I am smarter now than I was eight years ago. But still. What will I do with myself? I feel like such an optimistic child reading a book like this, and I am almost tempted to recover the book so I won’t be embarrassed if I happen to be seen carrying it with me somewhere. Or reading it.

But for right now, let us suspend our pride. Or at least let me suspend my pride, temporarily, and talk about Mrs. Hambleton and Mrs. Greenwood’s advice. They say to keep a journal, to observe everyday life, and to read. Basic enough advice for a young writer, because ultimately it is the writer herself who has to decide what she has to say. That makes sense. The only problem is, I don’t know what to say! It’s this horrible frustration I’ve been having for the last several months. I thought that it was just a “dry spell” but I didn’t think it would turn into a drought! So I’ve decided, out of fear of becoming someone who leads a dull, dry life, that I must find a challenge outside of school work, a social life, and my new job at UGA Food Services to occupy my mind (as if that won’t be enough). I need something to do in my own life, because then I will have something to write about. It’s very simple, but somehow it’s taken me all this time to figure out. Who knows, maybe all of my plans I’ve made already will be enough to add texture to my life.

But is the answer really just to wait longer?

I get tired of myself sometimes.

In other news, I have found myself doing yoga more often in the last few weeks than in my entire lifetime. It’s wonderful. I recommend it. Even to those manly men out there. Also, I’m very worried about how I’m going to manage to fit all of my clothes into two suitcases and a duffel bag, along with my books, my sewing machine, DVDs, and my shoes. I’ll be in Georgia this time next week regardless.

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